How dare I - bring up the sacredly awkward topic of MARRIAGE, right?
WRONG!
I'm going to talk you through this because I've really committed some energy to elevating my awareness as to why we as women "put the heat" on our men, why our friends and family do it as well, and why our misters avoid this topic at all costs!
And this post isn't one sided. Just as much as I'm speaking to the ladies, I'm also equipping all the fellas out there with a bit more rational insight as to why your leading lady is feeling the pressure and what you can and should do about it. (And surprisingly, my answer is not to buy a ring! Not yes, at least.)
I can say all of this with confidence for a couple of reasons. One, I'm in a highly-committed, open-communication relationship where I've been blessed with the space and patience to verbalize my complications and desires. Two, I spend quite a bit of time inside my own head. My strategist-type-A-independent-controlling-organizing-executing side likes to know the "why" behind everything - so, I set out to figure out why we as ladies truly feel the pinch and why we have such a hard time expressing it.
Plain and simple - if you're a female, especially in the South, and a gentleman hasn't "chosen you" by say 25 or so, you're damaged goods. People actually pity you. You get "that poor girl" looks all the time, as well as the gratuitous suggestions to leave your apathetic man. And while your single mister is envied by his friends for being free as a bird, our friends are sad for us and convince us it will happen soon.
Men = better looking as they age, cooler and more desirable if they're single.
Women = physically decline after the early-20's and are pitied for being single.
How did we let this happen?
Not to mention, if you've been dating for near or over a year, people begin to assume and ask at every turn. You factor things in like totally combined social calendars, shared family holidays, cohabitation, joint church memberships, etc. - and you've got yourself a recipe for, "How long have you two been married?"
(insert awkward raising of my bare left hand here.)
But that's OK.
Why? Well, for starters, I know I have a man that loves me. I don't need a ring to know that. Do I still want one? Absof%$#ing-lutely.
However, it struck me as odd when I, Kaci Coble, miss I'm-so-independent, started feeling the bite of the white dress bug. What was it? Was it because all my friends were doing it? Was I tired of being asked about it? Could I not find a difference in our life now and our life post-marriage? Did I want to gather all the people I love for a celebration? Do I want a pretty new piece of jewelry?
Yes, and...
I came to realize that this is the ONE thing in my said type-A-organizing-illustrating-hustling-independent-open-book-marketing-branding life that I am being forced to await- the single most important decision of my life - and I don't have ANY control over it!
We talk about everything. Everything. We share everything. We always know how the other feels about everything. And this is the ONE thing that I can't, don't and shouldn't know anything about - and that lack of control and knowledge was killing me!
Marriage will fundamentally change who I am. In the way that I view marriage, we are becoming one. One entity, one unity, one forever and ever, Amen. Kaci Coble will be a woman of the past. That new woman will emerge adorned for her husband, wholly and enthusiastically committed first to them, then to herself. And quite frankly, not having any say in that happening is kind of a tough pill to swallow.
I realized that I was having this marriage hot flash as I was beginning to heavily commit to and market kacicoble.com - the very website you've just visited. I think I had this subconscious concern that I was branding someone that I might not be for much longer.
Hence, the birth of "the fit craving." Ta da - a business is born out of my realization that my self-branding was stressing me out in ways I didn't at first realize. Lord knows the day I figured that out and solved that problem, Corey could comfortably turn off "Say Yes to The Dress" and finally understood why I wasn't acting like myself.
Furthermore, it is difficult to get past the fairy tale life plan. To work in my industry and be surrounded by beautiful stay-at-home or work-for-fun moms with their big diamonds and fancy cars, a girl can't help but dream of fulfilling her carnal desire to be a bride and a mother.
Conversely, I've been blessed to have chosen a man that wants to do things his way. He doesn't believe things just because you tell him so. He no longer does things just because that's the way it's been done. He doesn't want to make a decision because everyone else thinks it's time, all to later resent me for something I wasn't the one forcing in the first place. And being a girl that loves and appreciates that so much - why would I want to stifle that?
It's sad that American weddings have become to fixated on the bride and the dog and pony show...we forget about how big of a deal this is for the mister. Not to mention how blasphemous the services, receptions and to-dos have become.
Guys - understand why she's freaking out. She wants to be chosen. She wants to know that you truly feel the things you say so deeply that you'll make that commitment to forgo the option of another woman until death do you part. She wants to cook, clean, nurture and do all the feminine things our hormones so lead us to do. She wants to feel pretty and special like you want to feel strong and appreciated. She wants strangers to be able to glance at her and see that symbol of everlasting love and commitment. And while there are girls that really do just want the big ring and the white dress, there are those of us that would take a $20 ring if it meant your heart and lifelong commitment was ours. There's a big difference in a girl that wants a wedding and one that wants a marriage...
Ladies - cut the guy some slack. Just because they don't cry and mope around doesn't mean they're not going through a lot. He's probably getting his chops busted about asking for your hand so much that by the time he gets around to you, of course he's hostile. He wants to have his ducks in a row, mentally, physically, and financially, and he wants to do it on his own time. Understand that its just as big a deal for him as it is for you, and that while you feel that it's unfair that he alone gets to decide when it's time, also trust that our men tend to be the more rational, logical of the two. If you love him, trust him.
Friends & Family - please stop. We know you think it's cute/kind/flattering/funny to make jokes and references about our non-marital status, but it's not. That stopped being funny and flattering after the first time we got awkwardly asked. We know you think it makes the girl feel better because you're insinuating that you think we're the one for him - but he hates it, and you're doing us a disservice. Every time you ask, we get set back a couple of months. Thanks for that.
In general - assume nothing, truly deserve everything, and in the end, you can expect that you'll be rewarded to your hearts ultimate content.
here's to checking the legally "single" box when you're madly in love :)
kaci
6 responses:
This spoke straight to my heart. THank you. ~A girl that wants a $20 ring and an everlasting marriage. :)
I have to disagree with a few of the points you've made. You *do* have control over if and when you get married. Women are just as capable of proposing as men, and we're capable of turning down a proposal. Of course, as being only half of the participants in a relationship, we only get half of the say, but I wouldn't consider that having no control. Also, why does marriage have to change who you are? Especially if, as you said, you've already got combined social calendars, have multi-family holidays, and you cohabitate? You should fundamentally still be yourself, the person your partner chose to marry. You don't lose yourself when you get married. You don't become this person who lives and breathes only for him. The woman isn't the only one being chosen. So is the man. You can't lose sight of that. He's not bringing a herd of his finest head of cattle to your father and asking for a trade. But if you're leaving the decision solely up to him and plan on giving up who you are soon as he slips a ring on your finger, you might as well be waiting on him to do just that.
Hey Kara!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts about the blog! You are absolutely right, we as women do have total control over the decisions we make and can totally turn down or initiate a proposal!
I might not have been super clear about what I meant when I said it would fundamentally change who I am. I will always be myself - not only because that's who he fell in love with, but because that who I'm in love with - me. I mean that from that point forward, I would first thing of "us" before just me. Every decision - personal, financial, lifestyle, etc. would be a joint decision equally effecting the both of us. Our family would be my #1 instead of myself.
I am 100% pro-women maintaining their self-sustainability, independence and sense of self, I just mean that as someone who does not see divorce as an option no matter what, that making that level of commitment to a man would set a slightly difference tone for my life path, because I would no longer just be on my own, we'd be traveling ours together.
Again - thank you so, so much for challenging my piece and sharing your thoughts!
Have a brilliant weekend,
k
Your attitude and aproach to the whole situation is right on track. Live your life according to your rules and norms! You are smart for not letting others impose their own ideas and deadlines on your relationship.
P.S. After the ring, comes the endless flow of questions as to when is the wedding date. After the wedding, comes the endless flow of questions as to when are you having children question?
Thanks for sharing!
This post was great! I have said or thought these very same things so many times. It sure can be a nuisance when people are always in your business about the whole marriage thing...why can't people just be happy for our now and stop trying to make the future seem better than what happiness lies right in front of us?
Kaci, LOVE this! especially how you signed off - brilliant and i'm right there with you! thank you for putting yourself out there for all of us to see and form our own opinions about.
corey is lucky to have you :)
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